It's been one year since that cold fall day. A day that I remember so well. "I'm sorry, I wish I had better news". After a momentary breakdown I chose to get some answers and get them fast. I remember pacing the 4th floor hallway at my work, making my first appointment at the oncologist office. An oncologist. One doctor I thought I'd never have the privilege of meeting or to have to interact with. After the repeated confirmations from several tests and another specialist, I decided I can either throw a pity party or I can kick the crap out of this cancer.
I won't forget the pain of the bone marrow test. I shudder at the thought of the pain I went through, having a needle shoved into my bones with no sedation. I remember crying for hours like a baby. I remember being told I went from a stage 2 to a stage 4 because the cancer was in my bone marrow. I remember jokingly asking Dr. Chung to wait til after the holidays to start chemo but she assured me I'd be ok in time for Christmas. I remember my first day of treatment. I remember being starred at by what was a majority of older people as I got my first round. I remember the intense burning sensation in my veins as the medicine was pumped through. I remember feeling like I was sufficating which is a common side effect when first receiving Rituxan. I remember being up all night sick as a dog last December. I remember how horrible my hands looked for the first couple of months from being poked and it lasting for days. I remember getting on the scale and seeing the numbers 118, my lowest weight I had been in years. I remember the way my hands looked from the needles and from having the Bendamustine burn my veins. I remember calling my Doctor, begging her to send in an order to get a port put in because my hands were in so much pain I couldn't even type or do simple things like hold a glass of water without being in pain. I remember the way I felt for a week after getting the port, like someone punched my in the chest several times. I remember sitting in that chair for hours on end twice a month. I remember how weak and tired I felt for days, weeks, months through the course of the treatments. I remember being nauseaus after my premeds wore off. I remember all the horrible things I went through but reminded myself it could be worse than this. I could be gone.
I remember the kindess of the nurses. I remember the stories from talking with other cancer patients. I remember feeling that my situtaion wasn't as bad and being grateful. I remember all the encouraging notes, emails, texts messages, gestures and love I gained from friends, co workers and family. I remember the prayer service and the amazing turnout just for me. I remember growing closer with God. I remember my last day of receiving the chemo drug, I prayed to never have to have it again. I remember June 21st receiving the good news from my doctor that the tumor was down to nothing and the lymphoma had gone away. I remember seeing my husband and best friend cry tears of happiness that I had won the battle. I remember feeling like I was dreaming but knew it was reality.
Cancer is something we all have inside of us whether we know it or not. And for some of us that cancer takes over our body just like it did mine. But with faith and of course the incredible medical research studies that found a drug that was mild and allowed me to keep my hair, I was able to rid of it for the most part. There is no cure for lymphoma. There is always that small percentage that it could come back at any time which is why I receive Rituxan infusions 6 times a year. A small price to pay for the chance of being able to watch my kids grow.
Today I feel great. Going through this pushed me to pursue new opportunties and to not be so afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I don't know why God put me through this, He often does things that we just can't understand but there is a reason to all of the pain one goes through. There is a saying a lot of people use, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I beg the differ. I think he does give us more than we can handle as a test on how we handle the situation. I often have been told "You're so strong, I don't know what I would have done if I received that kind of news". The answer to that is "you never know how strong you are until you have to go through it yourself and then you discover a strength you never knew you had".
